It's been hard for me to write this week. Can't quite put my finger on any one thing. Kids? The younger ones are doing fine. Talked briefly to the oldest, he's busy as hell with his new job but doing ok. The second one, well that one is still on his slide. The land lord called me Friday, he hasn't paid his rent yet. She's a sweet 80 year old woman who really went out on a limb taking my son in. She went on my word that she'd get paid. I had to tell her to start the eviction process, I'll pay her but it will take time for me to come up with the cash, and he will need to be out because I can't pay after this.  I'm not floating him anymore.  But I will keep my promise to this woman.  My husband agreed as well, but is not happy about it.  Neither am I. After hanging up with the land lord I cried. I knew this could happen. I know I have to be tough. But all I can think about is this kid as a baby and now..here he is, about to be put out, in winter. Well, he's not a baby any more. Ironically the same day my husband came home buzzed. He went out after work to see an old friend. This guy was one of the first people my husband trained and they became close. The guy(Gary) burned out and quit one day. He walked out. Cid was shocked at the time, but I wonder if Cid wished he had done the same thing. Cid has had rocky times with this company, too, having been demoted three times. Back to Gary, though. Gary spent a year in serious depression, according to Cid. They kept in touch via e-mail for awhile. Then Gary got a job with a rival company. He's been there for about a year, and had dropped contact with Cid for the most part until last Monday. I suggested to Cid that maybe Gary is trying to recruit him. I guess that was the case. It sounded like a happy reunion. But I was disturbed, to say the least. Cid was far enough gone that he should not have been driving. Cid has "binged" before, and it happened usually with this guy, or at least with the people he works with. It hasn't happened for awhile now-three years? Can't help but wonder if this the beginning of a slide, though. I've been down this road too many times to not have a flag go up. I hated going to work that night. By the time I left he seemed better, having ate and coffeed up. Today I talked to him about it, he was contrite and so on. I expressed my concerns, the conversation went well..but boy, I am not content with this. I also think I went too far with a friend. I sometimes talk too much, and I think that's the case here. I wanted to be open, not to mislead, this friend is a man and somehow unattached. Wondering about me. So I filled him in. TMI, or maybe bummed that I can't be what he's looking for, I really can't be sure. But there's been a slow fade, he's got his reasons and I can't blame him. I enjoy the way he thinks, I miss the interaction. Maybe I'm reading too much into it-he says he's busy. Hopefully it's a new girlfriend that's NOT psycho, or at least doesn't have too much baggage. He deserves it. When I was a little girl, I used to have a fantasy where I had a big house, in the woods, lots of kids and dogs,and no other adults. Today I still like that fantasy, but with maybe one little dog, a cat for sure, a really great boyfriend and a girlfriend or two, Anita from work for sure, maybe someone like Coloconnect or Pie. My family could visit, but would leave! I would finish raising my remaining sons, whom of course would go on to college and then lead happy, fulfilling lives. I would go back to school, too, get my greenhouse going, have gardens all over, write my ass off, and since this is a fantasy I would have a perfect figure despite eating ANYTHING I wanted. Money would flow from the residuals my writings would bring in and...well ok I guess that's enough ranting. Thanks for listening

Pie has started something. Here's some truths I've learned, or am still learning: 1.)I believe in God, and God believes in me.  2.)Sometimes I don't believe in myself, but I'm getting better.  3.)I love my children, sometimes too much.  4.)Nothing gets rid of the blues like getting outside!  5.)A good belly laugh will make your day.....so does a big bear hug.  6.)Sometimes I don't talk enough, or don't know when to shut up!  7.)I am stronger than I think I am.  8.)I didn't realize how much I needed to write until I came here.  9.)I fall in love at the wrong time.  10.)I sometimes wish I could undo the past.  11.)I'm sometimes glad I can't.  12.)I was afraid of aging in my twenties.  13.)I was pissed off about aging in my thirties.  14.)I've accepted my aging in my forties. What was I making such a fuss about?  15.)But I DO wish I had the knowledge I have today in my twenties!  16.)I still have a lot to learn.  17.)I love to learn, at least once I've learned it. Sometimes the class is a bitch, though!  18.)I believe in the quote, "when the student is ready the teacher will come."  19.)I still dream about my future.  20.)I am grateful for my friends.  21.)I love coffee!  22.)I am glad I am alive.

Payday Fridays are the days we go out for dinner. Usually it's just me and the younger boys, and most of the time they pick McDonald's. Last night was no exception. The McDonald's in our town has a play place, something the boys enjoy, especially in the dead of winter. My boys love to talk, dinner time is a particularly good time for family chats. Last night was a great one,to me anyway. Often we start conversations with how our days went. To make it easier, and get beyond "I dunno," or "Good" we play sort of a game. "Name a good thing/Name a bad thing that happened today." Each person tells what happened that day that was bad, and why. Then that person tells what happened that was good, and why. It works out pretty well. Sean started last night. His bad thing was getting in trouble in school.(!!) He said he was distracted by people talking to him and then didn't finish his work. "Well," I said, "I guess that means you have homework this weekend." He glumly said yes. We discussed what to do about distractions, then moved on to the good thing. For Sean, it was sitting with his three friends at recess; Chris("Chris in my class room, not next door!")Thomas, and Austin. He was grinning away telling us all about that. I smiled too, thinking of good friends I have, including new ones here at the blogstream. Sean is already learning about the gift of friendship. Alec was figiting, wanting his turn. Alec is my little old man in a ten year old body. His bad thing? GIRLS! Alec complained that they bother him all the time, following him around, talking too much..When I started to go into how that was probably going to change, he crossed his arms and stated,"Not with me." As I smiled, he then blurted out, "and I'm not getting married, either!" I raised my eyebrows, but all I said was, "you're not?" He answered, "no way! All that girls do is try to boss me around and I don't want to be bossed around." Sean piped in then, "I'm not getting married either!" I said, "no? why not?" He looked at me, almost glowering. "Because I'm not going to kiss a girl. If you marry a girl, you have to kiss her." His face turned to an expression of disgust. Alec backed Sean up. "Oh, man there's no way I will do that." I asked, "what, kiss a girl?" Sean began making gagging noises, and Alec asked, "can we just get to my good thing? PLEASE???" I said ok. "What was your good thing?" Alec grinned and said, "my good thing was the girls left and went after John when he came in. Ahhh peace and quiet." Then he said, "you know, my good thing was John's bad thing wasn't it?" I answered, "I guess that depends on John!" By then the conversation faded out, the boys were done eating and wanted to play. They took off, leaving me wondering how much longer they would be boys. My sons were so soon to become men. They don't even realize how close they are. But I do. Another precious memory to file for later, pulling it out with a smile when they are grown and on their own.

Checked on my youngest son after my last post. His "ghost" is back, and Sean says the ghost has not been so nice this round. The night before I woke to Sean whimpering. He made it to my room just as I got out of bed. He wanted to sleep with us, then got even more wound up and said he could still hear the ghost. It was saying it didn't like him. I let him come to bed. Sean promptly fell back to sleep. After a few minutes I got up. I went into Seans room and stood there. I didn't hear anything or feel anything. Could easily had been a nightmare, we had seen fire works earlier for New Years and he did seem a bit anxious. Still-sounds crazy but I "put out" thoughts to this possible ghost, telling it to leave Sean alone. How about talking to an adult? Instead of a little kid? I waited..nothing. I felt slightly foolish then went to crash on the couch. Last night Sean was very restless,kept waking up. So he was still out when I checked on him, even though I didn't finish my post until after noon. He was snuggled in under the covers, but something was sticking out. When I pulled the covers back, I saw he had a shiny plastic sword. It was next to his skinny little body, close to his hand. When he finally got up, I commented on his sword. "Was that for the ghost?" I asked. He shyly nodded. Then he said, "I think it worked, too. I didn't hear him. I think he was scared of me with my sword." I answered, "It does look real. That was a great idea, Sean. Very Good!" Then I gave him a hug. We went on with the rest of our day. Tonight he's sleeping with his sword again. My six year old found a way to face his fears, and it turned out to be simply to sleep with a plastic toy. Sometimes the simplest answers solve the toughest problems. Sleep tight little one.

The New Year is off and running, and Friend House has a few issues with us. My house and I have a love/hate thing going, I fell for this house hard, so we bought it. The hubby loved it too. It was pretty rough, worn out, but it had a solid foundation, a decent layout and sat on a piece of land to die for. Only an acre, but surrounded by woods and a view of a lake. Flash forward three and a half years. New well, new water softener, fixed the furnace. Trying to get gardens put in but time seems to be the issue here. New roof three weeks ago, finished just hours before a snow storm. Now the furnace is acting up again, and the water pressure is dropping, although that may be a filter problem-or the hot water tank is dying. My marriage almost died here, too. We each take responsibility for the issues-there were a lot!! The marriage is like this house, I think. Always gotta keep on top of it, one thing gets fixed something else needs attention. Sometimes I get tired. With my marriage, the communication, the respect, it's there. We are a great team when it comes to the kids. But I feel-empty. When the divorce papers were put through I remember how I felt. Scared, because this was the first time I was striking out on my own-no safety net this time, no boyfriend waiting for me. All the same, I looked forward to it. I was excited! My life, all mine. I was very worried for my boys, though, they loved their dad so much. Not having dad in the house was going to be tough. I tried justifying it-all those late nights, the business trips-not much different was it? But I knew that was bullshit. I remember when the divorce was final when I was a kid. It IS different. You KNEW he was not coming home. All his stuff,gone. The sounds and smells you picked up on even late at night that said daddy was home-the rumble of his car engine when he pulled in the driveway. The smell of cigarettes as he walked through the house. His cough, hearing his steps. All gone. Self doubt crept in. I had all the shit going on with Chris(my son)-court dates, then jail, the overwhelming heartache that comes when you realize your son no longer has the opportunities he could have. Fighting the knowledge that your own flesh and blood committed a crime that hurt someone else. A crime that brought up memories in me, memories of a crime that happened to me long ago, long buried but still alive. I had nightmares those days, waking up sobbing and shaking, so bad that hubby would come in, despite all that was happening, come in from the couch, and hold me. Next morning I would be Just Fine. All emotions shut down. Functioning as a Mother, sending the boys to school, cleaning house, going to work...I was so sure I didn't love my husband any more, doing the right thing. But was this the time to make a decision like this? I was so shut down-how could I be sure I even knew what I was feeling? One day the hubby found a lump on his testicle. He was scared out of his mind. He set up an appointment to go check it out but still he was pretty shaky about it all. When I offered to go with him he jumped on it! Odd as it was that day he got the check up ended up being a great day. We talked so much. The lump ended up being a false alarm. We continued to hash out all the crap. Talked honestly, revealed some painful secrets, examined both our flaws and our strengths. I suggested maybe we take our marriage one day at a time, especially for our kids. I thought we could try being friends(with benefits-sex was still good, surprisingly.) Ever since that's what we've been doing. Paying attention, listening, making repairs where needed. Our kids have noticed and responded. We parents think we do such a good job hiding things, what a joke. Kids know way more than they let on. Sadly they often even feel responsible. We had to fix that too. There's still this, though-we've been on the "one day at a time" deal for over a year. Why haven't I fallen back in love? Even my sons situation has changed-still not great, but he's not in jail anymore. I am not shut down, not like I was. There is love there, he's the father of my sons, he a great human being..but I know if the kids were not here, I would be on my own, we'd be loving friends but he would not be my mate..I still have that pang of regret, of not being on my own-but that's selfish. I have boys in my care that deserve everything, and for sure a father!! Why can't get the feelings back? I'll keep chipping away at it, like my house, keep fixing the leaks and repairing holes. At least the foundation is good, right? I keep looking for cracks. Haven't found one with the house-but there's a few in me, I think.