This post was to be put on yesterday as that was my son's birthday. I have tried three times to do this and it keeps getting lost. Please be patient with me, I am going to do this with out "spell check" or anything. I'm afraid I'll lose it again!
January 29th, 1983, was one of the most important days of my life. Michael, you were born that day. Of course, that was an important event to be sure. But, as a new mother, I had these big ideas about you, my child. How I was going to mold and shape you into this "perfect" human being. Teach you and send you to the best schools, the best colleges, you would become a doctor and discover the cure for Cancer. Or a scholar that writes earth changing Masterpieces...you get the picture.
Little did I know that you, a tiny baby, was going to teach ME a thing or two. That you molded and shaped me as much as I did you, I think.
At first I was terrified of you, yes terrified, I wasn't sure I knew what I was doing. But as time went by and you were still alive-actually thriving-I became more relaxed, and began to enjoy motherhood.
Would you be hurt to know that I wasn't in love with you from birth? I wasn't. I was too scared to have room for anything else. But I learned to read you, your cues, I learned how to keep you comfortable, warm, full, clean. I learned to foresee your needs sometimes even before you could vocalize you had one(Boy, could you vocalize!!) I became confident. I stopped being scared. Then I fell in love with you.
Time went on, as it always does. Through your toddler years and into elementary we were so close. My mother used to laugh when she'd see us together, she wasn't sure who was raising who sometimes. I guess I believed then, and still do at many levels, that fitting around the child, you, and your needs, worked way better than trying to fit you around my life and needs-the adult. But at that time I hadn't learned to understand that the child doesn't run the show. There are parameters, set by the adult, simply because we DO usually know better. We have lived longer, ya know.
But the changes that happened in my life were miracles all the same. I wanted to set the best example possible for you. No more drugs, no more partying, no more drug deals, I morphed into someone that was almost unrecognizable to your dad. That probably caused the divorce more than anything. Doesn't mean that it didn't hurt you. I learned from you first that a child is not just an extension of you. You were a seperate human being, with your own thoughts, feelings, ideas, and goals. I learned it, but it was a long, hard lesson. Painful for both of us.
As you got older things did get tougher. Another marriage, another divorce, three more brothers..Sometimes we still seemed connected, other times you and I were far apart. I noticed then that you often acted older than you were, I know for some kids that's just their nature. But for you it seemed to be you were pushing it. Maybe you wanted control over your life as fast as possible, as your parents didn't always "get it" when it came to you. Although I liked to believe I was growing up, it wasn't fast enough, and I know that wasn't easy on you.
When you moved to your grandfathers(Dad was living there, too, although later he left the country!!) it about broke my heart. I thought you would come back after a year or two, but you didn't.
But as young as you were(not yet 13) you were already an adult in many ways, and I was still treating you much younger than you actually were. 12 or 13 when I was growing up was much younger then than is was in the 90's. I had lost my ability to pick up on your cues. Your grandfather could, and as jealous as I was of him for that, I knew deep down that it really was better for you. Keeping you was for my sake, not yours. So I let you go.
Now you are an adult, and we really aren't so close right now. We love each other, but we are just starting to get to know each other again.
What's nice, though, is that we both like the adults we've become. The relationship developing is one of discovery, and what we're discovering about each other is stuff we really like. It makes me want to find out more. I love that you've become a man.
You became the person you wanted to be, not the person I wanted you to be. You have found your niche in life and continue to grow. Today as a mother I have learned that the best you can hope for in a child is that he finds his path, his own light. A child who finds happiness and fulfillment in their life, who is compassionate, loves others, as well as love themselves, is a child well raised indeed. Whether the parent gets them to that place, or the child, doesn't matter. Ideally, in this world, it's both. Like any other good team, it's rarely 50/50. Someone falters, the other picks up the slack. I don't like the idea, Michael, that I sometimes faltered, and you ended up with the slack. You didn't deserve that. I am proud of you, I am glad you are finding your way. You are my first born. Thank you for being my teacher as well as my child. We are both better people for it.
I love you,
Mom
1. I've mentioned coffee before. I have AT LEAST two huge mugs when I get up, then one more at work. I like it strong. Generally I get the French Roast, I grind my own beans. Lately my sister-in-law has been bringing me Starbucks, as she works there and gets a free pound every week. So I've been in heaven...Caramel Vanilla creamer with that, thank you.
2. Books. I discovered I loved books almost as soon as I could read. I still do. I started off with "animal stuff"(Black Beauty, 101 Dalmations, Watership Down, White Fang..)then moved to heavier stuff. I read a kid's series of encyclopedias at 10, from A-Z. I think they were called "Book of Knowledge" but not sure.
3. I love to garden-wish I had more time to. In 2004 I became a Master Gardener, it was, and still is, a great program. I live on an acre, and boy do I have plans!
4. I want to go back to school, get a degree in biology, or botany. I had free college available to me when I graduated High School, thanks to my step dad. One of my regrets that I didn't take full advantage of that. *Sigh*
5. I have four sons whom I love with all my heart. But I sometimes wish for a little girl.
Had a chat yesterday with a friend about money. The jist of the conversation was that money brought out the evil in people, everything about money is evil. That was his stance, although that's not a direct quote. More of a summation of his opinion. I disagreed. I do not think money is evil. I think money is a tool used to augment your life. But I do believe if a person is corruptible money will corrupt them. It's rare when it doesn't. I think too many people see money as an answer to all of their problems.
I say the answer to your problems lie within you, just gotta find a way to reach those answers. Hey I'm not immune, either. I can't tell you how many times, when the bills got overwhelming, etc, that I wished for the lottery fairy to come bless me with a million or so. Solve everything, right? Over time, though, I've come to realize I can solve most of my own problems, somehow I find a way to pay those bills, and more often than not I got myself into my financial woes. We can't control everything, of course. Just think of the people caught by Katrina, or the tsunami, or in the crossfire of a war. And I see the charities out there, not all of them, to be sure, but enough, that take the money meant to help people in trouble and line their own pockets. Corrupt people, running the show. But their are places and people, who use money to help, who better not only their lives but their families, friends, even people they don't know. It depends on the people. This runs in the same vein as the gun controversy. I know a lot of people believe guns should be banned, "with out guns no more killing." But I believe it's not the gun, it's the person pulling the trigger. If that person wants to kill someone, they will find a way, even with out a gun.
These are hot button issues, and I'll bet I'll get comments-I welcome them all. I will leave on this note. I HAVE noticed that more and more corrupt people seem to be getting in to positions of power, or at least in positions where they can manipulate the situation to their benefit. This is where I see evil. This is the kind of evil that has some "wing men" Apathy is one. Lack of balanced information is another. We have some very good teachers on the stream-Gobshite(Overlooking Orlando? I think.) Mokey Joe, Whit at Whit's Whittlings, are a few I've visited. For the things that REALLY matter-spiritual, love, the everyday miracles called our lives, Railroad Street keeps me going. So does Coloconnect, Pie (A Slice of Pie), Dazey(Daze of my Life-my apologies if I got the blog titles wrong!) and many others that I'm afraid I don't have time to mention but are still so important! This stream more and more is becoming a lifeline for me. It's also becomming "The New Americana." I think that the corrupt politicians , businessmen, religious leaders, and countless others in positions of "influence" may want to get aboard here, get a feel of what the "little" people think. I smell a groundswell cooking.
The last section, about the fantasy? "A really great boyfriend..etc?" Uh, I got a response from someone who leads quite a life-after reading my post with a "different" viewpoint I thought I'd better make something clear. A really great boyfriend, but not with a husband. In my fantasy land I wouldn't be married, so as to not be so tied to someone,like I am right now. But I would still be in a monogomous relationship-that's what I'm about. My "girlfriend or two.." They'd be gal pals I chat up on the phone, e-mail, have coffee with.. I'm straight, ok Fred? Your fantasy is very different from mine. So go have fun, thanks for stopping by, but I don't think I'm what you're looking for. At all! The way I wrote that could be taken wrong, I'll try to be more careful!(Your comment was very nice Fred, I checked out your blog, though, and then realized what you are looking for.)
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This post was to be put on yesterday as that was my son's birthday. I have tried three times to do this and it keeps getting lost. Please be patient with me, I am going to do this with out "spell check" or anything. I'm afraid I'll lose it again!
January 29th, 1983, was one of the most important days of my life. Michael, you were born that day. Of course, that was an important event to be sure. But, as a new mother, I had these big ideas about you, my child. How I was going to mold and shape you into this "perfect" human being. Teach you and send you to the best schools, the best colleges, you would become a doctor and discover the cure for Cancer. Or a scholar that writes earth changing Masterpieces...you get the picture.
Little did I know that you, a tiny baby, was going to teach ME a thing or two. That you molded and shaped me as much as I did you, I think.
At first I was terrified of you, yes terrified, I wasn't sure I knew what I was doing. But as time went by and you were still alive-actually thriving-I became more relaxed, and began to enjoy motherhood.
Would you be hurt to know that I wasn't in love with you from birth? I wasn't. I was too scared to have room for anything else. But I learned to read you, your cues, I learned how to keep you comfortable, warm, full, clean. I learned to foresee your needs sometimes even before you could vocalize you had one(Boy, could you vocalize!!) I became confident. I stopped being scared. Then I fell in love with you.
Time went on, as it always does. Through your toddler years and into elementary we were so close. My mother used to laugh when she'd see us together, she wasn't sure who was raising who sometimes. I guess I believed then, and still do at many levels, that fitting around the child, you, and your needs, worked way better than trying to fit you around my life and needs-the adult. But at that time I hadn't learned to understand that the child doesn't run the show. There are parameters, set by the adult, simply because we DO usually know better. We have lived longer, ya know.
But the changes that happened in my life were miracles all the same. I wanted to set the best example possible for you. No more drugs, no more partying, no more drug deals, I morphed into someone that was almost unrecognizable to your dad. That probably caused the divorce more than anything. Doesn't mean that it didn't hurt you. I learned from you first that a child is not just an extension of you. You were a seperate human being, with your own thoughts, feelings, ideas, and goals. I learned it, but it was a long, hard lesson. Painful for both of us.
As you got older things did get tougher. Another marriage, another divorce, three more brothers..Sometimes we still seemed connected, other times you and I were far apart. I noticed then that you often acted older than you were, I know for some kids that's just their nature. But for you it seemed to be you were pushing it. Maybe you wanted control over your life as fast as possible, as your parents didn't always "get it" when it came to you. Although I liked to believe I was growing up, it wasn't fast enough, and I know that wasn't easy on you.
When you moved to your grandfathers(Dad was living there, too, although later he left the country!!) it about broke my heart. I thought you would come back after a year or two, but you didn't.
But as young as you were(not yet 13) you were already an adult in many ways, and I was still treating you much younger than you actually were. 12 or 13 when I was growing up was much younger then than is was in the 90's. I had lost my ability to pick up on your cues. Your grandfather could, and as jealous as I was of him for that, I knew deep down that it really was better for you. Keeping you was for my sake, not yours. So I let you go.
Now you are an adult, and we really aren't so close right now. We love each other, but we are just starting to get to know each other again.
What's nice, though, is that we both like the adults we've become. The relationship developing is one of discovery, and what we're discovering about each other is stuff we really like. It makes me want to find out more. I love that you've become a man.
You became the person you wanted to be, not the person I wanted you to be. You have found your niche in life and continue to grow. Today as a mother I have learned that the best you can hope for in a child is that he finds his path, his own light. A child who finds happiness and fulfillment in their life, who is compassionate, loves others, as well as love themselves, is a child well raised indeed. Whether the parent gets them to that place, or the child, doesn't matter. Ideally, in this world, it's both. Like any other good team, it's rarely 50/50. Someone falters, the other picks up the slack. I don't like the idea, Michael, that I sometimes faltered, and you ended up with the slack. You didn't deserve that. I am proud of you, I am glad you are finding your way. You are my first born. Thank you for being my teacher as well as my child. We are both better people for it.
I love you,
Mom 
Let's see-Five more things about me..
Had a chat yesterday with a friend about money. The jist of the conversation was that money brought out the evil in people, everything about money is evil. That was his stance, although that's not a direct quote. More of a summation of his opinion. I disagreed. I do not think money is evil. I think money is a tool used to augment your life. But I do believe if a person is corruptible money will corrupt them. It's rare when it doesn't. I think too many people see money as an answer to all of their problems.
I say the answer to your problems lie within you, just gotta find a way to reach those answers. Hey I'm not immune, either. I can't tell you how many times, when the bills got overwhelming, etc, that I wished for the lottery fairy to come bless me with a million or so. Solve everything, right? Over time, though, I've come to realize I can solve most of my own problems, somehow I find a way to pay those bills, and more often than not I got myself into my financial woes. We can't control everything, of course. Just think of the people caught by Katrina, or the tsunami, or in the crossfire of a war. And I see the charities out there, not all of them, to be sure, but enough, that take the money meant to help people in trouble and line their own pockets. Corrupt people, running the show. But their are places and people, who use money to help, who better not only their lives but their families, friends, even people they don't know. It depends on the people. This runs in the same vein as the gun controversy. I know a lot of people believe guns should be banned, "with out guns no more killing." But I believe it's not the gun, it's the person pulling the trigger. If that person wants to kill someone, they will find a way, even with out a gun.
These are hot button issues, and I'll bet I'll get comments-I welcome them all. I will leave on this note. I HAVE noticed that more and more corrupt people seem to be getting in to positions of power, or at least in positions where they can manipulate the situation to their benefit. This is where I see evil. This is the kind of evil that has some "wing men" Apathy is one. Lack of balanced information is another. We have some very good teachers on the stream-Gobshite(Overlooking Orlando? I think.) Mokey Joe, Whit at Whit's Whittlings, are a few I've visited. For the things that REALLY matter-spiritual, love, the everyday miracles called our lives, Railroad Street keeps me going. So does Coloconnect, Pie (A Slice of Pie), Dazey(Daze of my Life-my apologies if I got the blog titles wrong!) and many others that I'm afraid I don't have time to mention but are still so important! This stream more and more is becoming a lifeline for me. It's also becomming "The New Americana." I think that the corrupt politicians , businessmen, religious leaders, and countless others in positions of "influence" may want to get aboard here, get a feel of what the "little" people think. I smell a groundswell cooking. 
