These past few weeks have really been a whirlwind.  So much happening, so much to absorb.  Throughout most of it I have managed to keep my bearings.  Lack of sleep has been one of the biggest stumbling blocks, when I am sleep deprived everything else takes kind of a warped edge to it, and frankly I have a warped edge, too!  Lately I’ve been doing well in that department.   Yea!

 

Another big stumbling block has been the divorce; well maybe I should say the effect the divorce is having on us, especially the kids.  My soon to be ex and I are still cordial, but things had taken a twist.  I would prefer to focus on the boys though right now, especially since the twist (thrown by HIS lawyer) ended up not panning out at all when we went before the referee.

All I can say is *sigh. *                    

 

The divorce is progressing and all of us are settling in to the different roles and different lives a divorce inevitably brings.  The boys have more questions, and each time I answer honestly but with out overwhelming them.   The two things I get from Alec the most is that he doesn’t think his dad wants the divorce, despite what Alec overheard during our last fight, and that he (Alec) is frustrated because he doesn’t have any control or say so over it!  Sean asks if we ever loved each other, or if we still do.

 

To Alec’s first question I answered there reaches a point of no return, in that sometimes people just can’t live together as husband and wife.  There was more said, but I gave you the jist of it.  I didn’t go too deep, and he didn’t need details, I am not going to start dragging his dad through the mud-certainly not to him, or for that matter here.  I do have a few friends and family members I vent to, for sure!   But Alec isn’t one of them, and shouldn’t be.  As to his frustration, I had to point out that this particular area is not in his realm of control because it is between his father and me, not the kids.  “But I am affected!”  Alec exclaimed.  “Yes you are, but we are working very hard to keep that to a minimum, your life hasn’t changed much so far.” I answered.  He admitted that was true.  Still, the pain he sees his father in bothers him-Cid is taking this much harder than me. (Ironically Cid is the one who told me to leave, as I said in an earlier post.)  Alec has empathy for others and this hits close to home.  I mean, this is his dad!!

 

To Sean the answer is a simple yes!  We did.  Do we now?  Yes, but we can’t live together because when we fight we say things that hurt each other.  People who love shouldn’t do that, and we couldn’t seem to stop, despite talking to other people (counselors) about it.  (I didn’t go into how for me my feelings have changed, they have waned to the point that what I feel for Cid is what I would an old friend, which I think can be maintained as long as we stay this course.  We haven’t had a serious fight since we separated!  As I said before, the things that drove each other crazy still exist-I see it, and I’m sure he does too-but we no longer have to deal with it.)

 

The boys went to Cedar Point with their dad and aunt last Monday and Tuesday (the fact I wasn’t going is what prompted the questions.) They had a great time, although both said they missed me and wished I were there.  I spent time with them after they returned, I came for them every day.  We went to the beach yesterday.  It was my birthday and I couldn’t think of a better way to spend it.  They ended up chasing the fish that was in the swim area.  Alec wanted to go to the diving raft, but had to pass a swim test for the lifeguard.  He didn’t-too winded at the end and too slow!  Uh oh!  So we are on a mission-swimming at the beach every other day until he can pass the test.  With this heat it sounds like a good idea!

 

This is how it should be-kids should be worried about catching fish and practicing their swim skills so as to pass a test.  Or going to Cedar Point and riding the latest, greatest roller coaster ride!  Despite us adults and all our dysfunctions, we owe our kids the right to be just kids.  They deserve the love and security that any kid needs to be a great kid, and then later a great adult.  We are trying despite the divorce to be good, strong parents.  It’s tough, but we can’t give up.  Our kids depend on it. 

 

Thanks for listening.  This post went in a direction I didn’t expect, but apparently needed to go!

              Happy Birthday, Diesel!!!

Just thought I'd let everyone know all is well here, just have some stuff going on. Alec started summer school. I have to drive him mid-day and then go back after an hour or so to pick him up. So I sleep when ever I can and deal with lifes other logistics when I come up for air. Don't have much energy for anything else, although I did take off this past weekend and disappeared-loved it! I will be posting soon. Thanks for the concern and the check ins. See you all soon!

Hey‘Streamers,

 

I know it’s been awhile..time for an update. 

 

First and foremost, thank you to all that have checked in, supported, rallied, put in their two cents, etc.  I've appreciated all of your comments very much, and although I may not have responded, please know that I was coming around to read you guys when I could, and was touched by what you all had to say.  I also noticed these past 6-7 weeks have been fairly active around here, to say the least!  Wow!

 

I have moved into an apartment only about seven minutes from where I used to live.  My soon to be ex and I have remained amicable, we get along better now than we have in years.  I believe both of us are trying very hard to keep things as “normal” for the boys as possible, under the circumstances.

The things that made me crazy are still here, though, but now I don’t have to worry about it any more.  He feels the same about me.

 

I am at the house every workday, and every school day when it in session

  The boys have been to my place and like it, but the apt. was in such disarray for so long that Alec said once “it’s nice, but it doesn’t feel like home.”  Well, it didn’t to me either for a while.  It’s taking forever to get settled in, and I am starting from scratch.  I’m buying my own furniture, my own dishes, my own “stuff” in general.  I did take a dresser and an armoire, from the house, and Chris has things he’s let me take over, as he’s not using it right now.  So it’s very slowly coming together.  The boy’s room is finally done, just needs tweaking.  It looks good, if I do say so myself.

 

Between Chris and a friend of mine I’ve been able to cobble together a computer, now I just need a landline.  I hope to have one later today.  I am using the computer at the house when I can, but I can’t count on being able to do that forever.

 

These past weeks have been extremely busy, but I have to say I am content, even happy.  There are days that I have to tone it down, my happiness, because it’s a bit unseemly to be acting giddy during such a somber time.  My soon to be ex is nowhere near as happy, just resigned, and relieved?  I see him taking on the responsibilities that I used to carry here and he is doing ok, albeit surprised at how much there really IS to running a household.  Hmmm.

 

I know this is only the beginning, and there are sure to be even rougher roads ahead.  But my boys, at least for now, can see that their world is not falling apart. Cid and I are not able to live together as husband and wife, but we seem to be building some sort of friendship, at least.  This can only be good for the boys.

 

I feel like I can breathe again.  I no longer feel smothered, or buried under the pressures of catering to a lifestyle and a marriage that swallowed me up.  A bit dramatic, but I am no longer depressed. I no longer have fight to be me, to live as I want.  Marriage is compromise, true, but not to the point you lose yourself in the bargain.  I am even busier as I’ve ever been, but yet I feel like I am walking on air.  It’s effortless-well, as long as I’m getting enough sleep.  I am still on Mids, and I do have to watch that!

 

Well, that‘s all for now.  I hope to touch base again, soon, and maybe this time with my own computer!  See you all soon.

 

Love, Kelly

 

 

 

 

 

Hello everyone;

Lately the posts here have been slow, even for me!  Life has really been quite a ride lately. 

With out going into too much detail, I will be "on hiatus" for awhile.  My husband and I have decided to divorce.  I will be moving out within the next week or two, and probably not have acess to a computer at least for the next month or two, except for the library.  I may check in, but frankly I have so many other obligations right now the blogstream has to take a back seat. 

At the moment we are actually fairly amicable, which I really hope continues, especially for our kids' sake.  I am very worried about our boys.  Alec and Sean are such great kids.  They've have been through so much.  This will be tough on them.  Because of my work scheduale we will be able to do a joint custody arrangement, and the kids are not moving.  My soon to be ex and I will be the ones coming in and out of the house, pretty close to the times we do now. 

I appreciate all the support and comments I have recieved in the past, and I already miss you guys.  I hope to come back, so I will not be deactivating, at least not now.

Take care everyone.

Kelly