These past couple of weeks I have been in a bit of a dry spell.   There are stories I wish to write about, but I can’t seem to get out from under this boulder.  Yesterday, speaking of boulders, I smashed my finger trying to move one.  After the pain died down-I will be losing a nail-and after I stopped swearing, I went back and moved that damn boulder where I wanted it!  So there!  Now I need to put the boulder in my mind where I want it, or at least out of the way.  My finger is objecting, but I think I need to write about this.  I've decided to write a letter to my son.

 

You, my second son, had a birthday back on the 1^st of May.  The days leading up to it were ok, but I was a little down.  You see I did want to write about you, like I did the other boys.  But you are the child that fell, and fell hard.  You are the young man whose decisions have irrevocably damaged your life, and the lives of others as well.  I can only hope all will heal, but it has proven to be a long process, for everyone involved.  How could I write about this?  I didn’t have an answer.

 

Now we are well into May.  The lilacs are peaking right now.  It’s early for them, but wow, are they beautiful!  The yard smells wonderful.  

 

Chris, you came over the other day, and noted how the lilacs were about to bloom, too.  Last year at this time you were in jail.  This is your first spring in two years.  I have noticed that although you are still spinning your wheels, still lost, you notice the simple things in life and appreciate them.  While you were in jail, you used to write to me about the things you missed, and how it surprised you.  You missed the sun.  You rarely got outside, so for about a year the act of just sitting outside with the sun on your face was denied you. You missed crickets, you didn’t realize how much until one day last summer one got into the building somewhere, and you could hear it.  You told me you cried hearing the cricket, because it made you think of summer nights in the past, nights camping on the Island under the stars, or of the summer before when you pitched a tent in our yard and slept in it night after night, having friends over, Mom coming out with a flashlight to check on “things”(well, you WERE a teenager, after all, and I remember what I pulled in those days!!) and to tell you guys to “keep it down.”

 

I can recount dozens of moments like that, because you wrote them down in letters and sent them to me.  You became quite the poet, too, and began to draw, you were pretty good, too. 

 

Chris, you deserved your punishment, and I know it, although my heart is still loaded with tears.  Most of the time I keep them locked away, but sometimes the dam bursts and the flood ensues.  They are tears of mourning.  I mourn the lost opportunities for you, my son, and for me, too.  I do wonder sometimes, “If I had only seen this, noticed that, could I have changed your course?”  I wonder if there were opportunities presented to me, but missed, chances that had I only seen, could I have helped you Chris?    But when I take out the emotion and think it through logically, the answer comes back that it wasn’t really up to me!   I know now as a mother that kids begin to make decisions for themselves at a very young age, and we become more like guides.  We really don’t mold our kids as much as we show you, through example, and teach you, if you are open to it.  But whether it sinks in, whether you decide to use what we show and teach you is up to you. 

 

Chris, you are the son I had the hardest time reading.  You could snow me like none of the others, and still do sometimes, although I’m finally getting your “act!”  I am beginning to see glimmers of understanding happening within you.  Sometimes a ripple breaks the surface of your face and I can catch it if I’m quick.  I believe you will not commit this crime again, and you have learned your lesson about that.  You are an angry young man, but although there are times you can be destructive about dealing with it there are other times you find positive outlets.  You are in counseling and it does give you a place to talk with honesty. 

 

What gives me the most hope is how you find such pleasure in the simplest of things.  The scent of lilacs, the touch of the sun on your face, brings you happiness.  You have already learned one important lesson at a very young age, a lesson that takes most of us decades to get.  That the simple things in life are what matters most.  We adults have convoluted our lives and are fighting hard to get back to the simple things.  Chris, you’ve already got that, you are already there.   Maybe when you are stripped down to nothing you realize having nothing isn’t always a bad position to be in-it can be a new beginning.

Some of my toughest life lessons have come from you, Chris, and although there still many things that need to be worked out, over everything I love you.  I still hold out hope for you son, and I know you will find your way back to your path.  Things may get worse before they get better, but in the end I hope you will find calm for your restless soul.  I love you, Chris.  Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another Monday morning has arrived.  After a wet weekend the sun is coming out, looks like it may warm up a bit.

 

Learning is one of life’s gifts.  I believe it is what keeps us alive, and there is always something to discover.   So what have I learned this week?

 

To start with, that roosters are MEAN!!!

 

Who ever coined the term “chicken” for someone who is a coward must not have dealt with a Rhode Island Red!  Ok, maybe the hen, but the rooster?  No way!!

 

When my neighbor came by last Monday to ask if I could watch her critters, I thought nothing of it.  She warned me that the Rooster could get very protective of the hen.  She’s a petite woman, and I hate to say it but I chalked her comments up to her being a bit, well, wimpy. 

 

Oh, I was SO wrong-and my neighbor must be tougher than she looks, or I’m a wimp too!

 

The first day when I came over and stepped into the coop, I went to check and see if the hen had laid eggs.  As I approached the nest the Rooster walked behind me, making a low “running cluck” type sound.  I didn’t think anything of it.  Until WHAM!  Something hit my arm!!  It felt like some one hit me with a baseball!

 

“HAAY!!”  I yelled, and spun around just in time for that Rooster to hit me again!  I ducked so he missed my arm, but as he came down he was still kicking and glanced off my thigh. 

 

I kicked back, not really connecting but still putting distance between this flapping ball of feathers and me.  As long as I maintained eye contact he didn’t attack, but whenever I turned away he would start another run toward me.

 

I left the coop.  I grabbed a bucket, and then went back in.  The hen had laid eggs, and I meant to collect them! Keeping the bucket between the rooster and me I did manage to get the eggs.  He almost knocked the bucket out of my hands though, twice!

 

I had completely underestimated Mr. Rooster!  Apparently roosters are supposed to be aggressive, so this behavior is not unusual.  Big ones, like this one, are known to fight off hawks!  Especially if they have spurs.  This one does, although they are blunted-luckily!   My exposure to chickens has been pretty limited-petting zoos, learning farms, or of course buying chicken at a grocery store!  I worked a horse farm for a few years, but still I wasn’t exposed to chickens.  Or should I say roosters!  Yeah, sure, you hear about the cockfights in the Philippines and stuff, but I am guilty of the typical “if it doesn’t apply to me, why retain it” mentality.   It’s human nature, true, and to retain knowledge you need to use it.  Still, I wish I retained more of what I was exposed to regarding roosters.  Maybe I would have a few less bruises!

 

By now it’s been five days, and Mr. Rooster and I have some respect for each other.  (It’s “Mr. Rooster” all right for this chicky!)  Well, I do for him, that’s for sure.  I walk in with a bucket or a stick, always!  I learned a few tricks to distract him, involving food (he loves cheese!).  He still watches me with a baleful red eye, but he seems more relaxed now.

 

Despite these events, I find I enjoy the routine.  I could see myself caring for these guys, mean old rooster and all, as a way of life.  Of course I wouldn’t be working a JOB outside my little farm, but raising chickens? Planting a garden?  Running a green house?  Doing the hearth and home thing?  All this echoes back to a simpler way of life, something I miss from a place so deeply buried in my heart, I’m not even sure where it is!  I think we all have something like this, calling to us faintly.  Humanity farmed for thousands of years.  It’s a way of life that is fading fast.  Evolution is a way of life too; we’d better adapt to survive.  But what if we’re losing something along the way?  Is evolution always right?

 

The rooster is crowing and I hear him, and listen with new insight.  I learned something from this nasty tempered bird.  I learned to respect what I didn’t understand, instead of ignoring it, or worse dismissing it.  I learned a full size rooster is a strong bird!!  I also learned that wanting a simpler way of life, a peaceful one, could manifest in more than one way.  I’m so busy pushing forward-but sometimes to go forward I need to take a step back!!

 

Daylight’s wastin’ (to paraphrase John Wayne) so I’m signing off.  Just a few thoughts rattling around I wanted to share.  Thanks for reading.  Take care!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1.  My grandfather Gallahger said he used to run booze across the Detroit river in his teens-He was Irish though, and loved to tell a good story!

 

2.  My grandmother divorced him and remarried an Italian guy, who owned a bar and was a bookie too.  That one I know is true!

3.  My mother was married and pregnant by 18.  My grandmother was pregnant with my Uncle Joe the same time my mom was pregnant with me.  We were born 18 days apart-he was born first.

4.  I am the oldest of four kids-my sister is 13 months younger than me.  The other two siblings are brothers, they are in their late thirties.

5.  Both my sister and I have been married 3 times and have four kids.  She has two boys and two girls.  I have four sons (but you knew that!)

Monday has dawned here in Michigan, and it’s a bright new day.  I was up early, I have flipped back to days and the ‘ol body clock is back almost to normal.  I am someone who, when left to my own natural rhythms would be in bed by 10 or 10:30 pm and up by 6 am or so.  Alec is like that too.  The rest of the family are night owls.  Even Sean sleeps in until at least 10 am if allowed!  They should be the ones on Midnights!

 

Gardening is on the agenda today-of course.  I have lots of yard clean up to do; already the weeds are going nuts.  I want to break out the new tiller I got for Christmas, I could finally finish the roadside garden I started two years ago, maybe prep the ground for a vegetable plot!

 

The response to the Cowbell article was very touching, and I was very humbled by all the nice comments.  To receive such praise from my “peers,” all so talented in myriad ways! You guys are wonderful!  Maybe I’ll write another one?  I’ll have to think of something.

 

I wish I could, in a way, open up more to you guys.  I am not as strong as Colo, at least when it comes to that.  Maybe it’s because the consequences could come back and bite not only me, but also my kids.

I will say that, like many of you, turmoil has increased in my life, some because of my son (the 19 year old), some from me.  Only the latter part can I do something about, although I know some of “it” comes from a place so deep, it will take a long time to bring it all to light.  It is a journey I started years ago, and I’ve already dredged up a lot.   Some of the Chaotic stuff that’s been happening in the last few years has tied in with it, either again because of me (I am different from what I used to be) or due to experiences that have come that end up teaching some very painful, but necessary, lessons both for me and my son.

 

I found the Blogstream because of Colo.  I know now I needed to, and although there are naysayers and skeptics out there that don’t have this opinion, I believe that there is a purpose for everything, and that things happen for a reason.  I found this Blogstream for a reason.  I have met some people here that are now very important to me in my life, whom I would not have found if not for coming here.  I have also found an outlet for writing that has become vital for me-I know lately I haven’t written as much, but I still find this place to be cathartic, even healing.  I believe I am evolving as a writer and am a better person for it.  Sometimes I do ask myself, in regard to finding the Blogstream; is it destiny?  The answer, I think, is “somewhat.”  That answer is because I know there is also free will, given to Human beings by God/Universe.  This is why, to me, nothing is set in stone, although I believe there is a path that is best for us all, and if we are still enough we will hear the quiet voice that will help us find it. 

 

My path is coming to a crossroads.  I am not quite there yet, but it is on my horizon.  I have new ambition, and more than one goal.  Ultimately one of the goals is fairly simple-I want to live in a place that feels like home to me.  The Island.  I also want to change careers, get into something that is far from what I’m doing now, and it will call for more training than I’ve already received.  Finally, I want to be free, to be ME!  I feel as confident and unafraid as I did when I was 11 or 12!!  Crazy but true!  I knew who I was then, and life was an adventure, something I couldn’t wait to grab on to and explore.  But I lost it, for a long time.  What’s great though is that it’s come back!  I feel that way NOW!  But to keep that going, to follow my heart and soul-it’s such a battle, every day!   There’s an expectation of “well, she’s just going through a phase, she’ll get this out of her system and go back to being the gal she used to be…” NO I WON’T-But yet how do I keep going with this without hurting the people I love and/or who love me?  I am still raising two sons, and they deserve nothing less than my dedication.  They have my love, and I theirs.  But to make the changes I am looking to do.. at the very least it will be earth shaking for them.

 

I am letting things roll, at least for the moment.  I know I should not to try to force or push anything.  Especially because, unlike when I was 11 or 12, I do have other lives that depend on me!  I need to have faith that my life will unfold as it should, recognize the opportunities as they come, and see the path that is best for me with out the clouds of emotion blinding my way.  That is SO hard!

 

That doesn’t mean I won’t check out my options, or not make plans.  But it does mean taking time to both analyze what I discover, and to try and listen to that quiet voice inside.  My time will come.  Meantime, I will make the best of it.  No use wasting the time I have right now!! 

 

I know this came out cryptic, but they still are my thoughts, it’s what’s running through the back of my mind these days.  It is hard for me to open up more than this..but at least that was a peek!  Now, I’m off to do some gardening.  The housework can wait!  See Ya!!

 

P.S.  I got a call while writing this, from a person I was wondering about, regarding an upcoming burn. I had been wondering if I should call HER-but now I don’t have to.  This directly correlates to the career change I mentioned.  So I wonder.  Coincidence-or confirmation?

 

 

 

 

 

Not long ago two people came up with one great idea. Soon a new blog was born. Its name? "Needs More Cowbell." This site hit the ground running, and there's been no looking back! Not just fun, it's educational too, and the caliber of writing has been outstanding! I wasn't sure I should even attempt to submit a post, but I did. I am excited to tell you all it was accepted! Stop over and pay them a visit, "Cowbell" is on my favorites list. Although I appreciate people reading my post, do yourself a favor and check them All out, if you haven't already. We have some terrific writers on the 'stream, and several have made their way to the "Cowbell" site. Six and Diesel, this is a GREAT site, thanks for all your hard work and talent. I appreciate you guys posting my work, too. Thank you. Midnight43