Lately I have been a bit worked up. It's been a busy week as usual, so no visits to the blog lately-thanks for the visit, Colo. I'm flattered you put me on your favorites list. I will make more comments, a few have been on blogs that haven't been active lately-your blog is what brought me to this blog stream. You and your friends are great, honest and intelligent. Being here is like being in a small town full of friends who care for you both in your perfection and your flaws. Even the asshole has a place-yuk yuk! (I was reading Dazey's blog ....) I think in life we all take a turn being the asshole, but hopefully we can be in a place that when we STOP being one, we can be forgiven. I think that's allowed here, with the prerequisite that we also forgive ourselves. Oh yes, I have had my turn, more than once. Lately I have managed to be better than that, but still, maybe a little stupid. My nineteen year old son has been out of jail for just over two months. He has been doing ok, although stumbling here and there. Well, he got some mail here. When he came by to do his laundry he got it, opened it, and left it behind. I actually didn't read it-I have to admit, though, I just hadn't gotten around to it-my husband got to it and read it and then showed me. My son owes over $20,000 in restitution. This was not his first notice, either, from the tone of the letter. So he's ignoring it. Maybe he hopes it will go away. I want to step in and nag, advise, etc. NO I am not paying any of it, my husband and I have helped a lot getting him on his feet and independent(?), but he did do the crime(it was a nasty, I prefer not to go into what the crime was right now, except to tell you it was a felony.) It's hard not to get involved, though. I am also pretty cynical these days, and wonder if he wanted me(us?) to find it? Well we did. All that's going to happen from my end is worrying. I have decided not to say anything. I will hand him his mail the next time I see him, say, "you forgot this," and move on. Most of the worry comes from not knowing what will happen. His committing this crime proves I have no control or say so over his actions, and haven't for some time. His actions affected the entire family, painfully, especially me. I was lost for awhile, and discovered that my co-dependent relationship with my husband was a farce. I needed him to help me, but for a long time that didn't happen. In fact, he got angry and mean because I no longer put him first! That's changed, thank God, counseling(for both of us) and the divorce papers I served him...another story. I am venting. Maybe I need to reaffirm that I am powerless over everything, except maybe me. I DO have control issues, ya know? Just gets so crazy sometimes, my head, I mean, when it comes to my kids. When they are born you have all these plans for them. President, Ivy League colleges, etc. It's their lives, though, although we can set examples and try to nurture them, there are no guarantees. Still hurts. See you guys later. Thanks for listening.

Great day today! Crazy Michigan weather. Thanksgiving day it hit 19 degrees, today it was in the 60s. I'll take it. I actually got some yard work done. Love being outside. I've been following a blog called SURVIVING his ABUSE. It is awesome. I know I don't have many visitors but if anyone reads this, go to this blog. Especially if you or a loved one is involved in an abusive relationship. Very informative and helpful!! I'm getting hungry and so are my Beastie Boys. This one will be short. Gotta work tonight so I'm going to try and nap, too. Mids are a bitch sometimes, especially since I've been off long enough to flip back around. I work with cool people at least. See ya next time! Midnight 43

It's over! We made it through another Thanks giving! It was great-once the food was on the table. Only served a half an hour late this year. We had twenty people over, then, as always, about three or four more "Desserters" made it over later. Still cleaning up.. I don't even attempt to shop the next day. Black Friday to me is a veg out day. I catch the news and hear all about the shopping wars and I'm sure glad not to be a part of it. Thanks giving is a time of reflection for me, I do have so much to be thankful for. I could have been living in New Orleans when Katrina struck. I could have a loved one fighting over in Iraq. I could be in poor health or desperately broke..we're doing ok. I missed my mom this year, she lives in Fla. now. We talked on the phone but it's still not the same. I glad she's my mom, at least most of the time!! We are as much friends as well as mother-daughter. We piss each other off every now and then but that's part of love and relationships. It's all love right now. I miss my (step)dad. He is my father, no doubt about it. He's been dead over six years now but I still learn from him even today. He taught me about decency, he was a good father to all of us even though he didn't have to be, and he loved us to boot. My dad loved this time of year. My youngest son has been waking up lately, he says some one is whispering and laughing in his ear just as he's dozing off to sleep. He isn't too scared but it bugs him for sure. He wondered if it was "grandpa Ernie." I hope so. Who ever you are, hang out and have fun. But could you let the boy sleep? It's getting crowded in my bed!!lol. I missed my oldest son. He is almost 23 now. We love each other but we are not close. There's a lot of "stuff" to work out, there. He took the divorce between his father and I so hard, even though he was only two. Then I got right back into another relationship. I ended up marrying this one, was so fearful and insecure to do anything about all the signs and warnings that were popping up. After the marriage the abuse began, and he got both of us. We survived it and got out after another baby and seven years of crap, but there's no question of the effect it had on my oldest son. I wish I had figured out what was wrong with my head before getting so serious with these men, and bringing babies into it. If there is one lesson I have learned, it's that you owe it to yourself and the possible little souls entrusted to you to get "unmessed up." When your head is not right, whether through abuse, or addiction, or mental illness, or whatever, it affects every decision you make, right down to the significant other you pick or what kind of parent you will be. It's wrong to bring an innocent one into your crap. Babies deserve to be treasured, but you won't treasure them unless you treasure you. It's true. Thanksgiving now is much better than Thanksgiving then. I still struggle sometimes, but I think the "new software" installed compensates and circumvents the faulty harddrive in my head. Sounds weird but it helps me understand what's going in especially when the old bullshit tries to come up again. Always on the watch, ya know? But I am thankful that I can at least see it now, and my family and I are better for it. Oh, before I forget, I got your comment, Graffiti, thank you for the confirmation. It helps!! Ok, I'm done rambling. Until next time, thanks for listening! Midnight43

What a weekend. Why does it seem like the weekends are busier than the workweek? I can remember when weekends were for relaxing. Those days are long gone, between work and kids and running a household... I'm singing to the choir... Thanks giving is coming and I will host again this year. We had a party to go to this past weekend and it was fun, but what an effort. The hubby and I had a fight, and really the jist of it turned out being about time!! Later he wanted a blow job-he seems to always want one right when we gotta get ready for an event, like going out, etc. He was a little upset when I said no, but no more of that shit-"it'll only take a few minutes." I said, I was ready for you yesterday and you didn't have time, either. He claimed not to remember. Not responsible for what you don't remember? What is up with that, anyway? Men wanting sex right when we are in a hurry to get somewhere? To prove their dicks(i.e them) matter more to us than anything else? Maybe he's feeling insecure, especially because it was also after a fight-and maybe fights are happening because the tension is up due to an approaching event we have to prep for..and on and on and on. So, a thought-am I supposed to cater to an insecurity at the will of an insecure person? No, that's not very fair, is it? Not fair to me-and selfish/childish of the insecure person, if you ask me. Just to clarify-we did apologize and resolve our fight-especially important that we both realized what the fight was REALLY about and not what it seemed. There were hugs, kisses, and I'm sorrys all over the place. Today, this morning we revisited the "blow job episode." Decided we needed a date, and set one up for Wednesday night, and best of all the kids are going to be at the sitters(sister-in-laws) over night. That means a full "blown"(lol) sex session!! oh yea-that's the best way to get busy, isn't it!! Until next time-Midnight43

Got in from my shift about an hour ago. I am getting tired but thought I'd post a bit more. Maybe some back round about me? Life for me has been an experience, that's for sure. The longer I live
the more I believe everything happens for a reason, although sometimes the reason is someone elses ripple(CC's Post-awesome). No guilt or blame to lay here, just a realization that we are all connected, I needed a reminder of that, life is not a vacuum. I move through my life often as if I am all that's involved, even being married and having four kids, I forget how much I affect in my corner of the world. The most impact I have usually involves the people closest to me and disperses as it goes out, but not always! We can't know what another person's perception on the world is. Their take, their views on the world around them, can be so different from ours. Therefore, so are their reactions. We cannot really control that. We can only control-somewhat!-ourselves. My life seems to work best, and I seem to learn a lot faster-(and maybe not need so many "experiences" because I'm just not getting the lesson)-when I stay attuned to my gut. That little voice. The quiet thought that steals in before you filter it. That little piece of God that gives you a little bit of precognition, that intuition that we all, and for sure I often ignore. I was trained that way, I think most co-dependents learn very early how to pretend all is normal and ok when way back in your mind that little voice is screaming No this is WRONG!

So much for back round-CCs post really hit a nerve, but in a good way.
Ok, well, at least you know I'm married and have four kids. Let's see, before I fade out completely. This is my third marriage, 11 years, the last three rocky, but right now it's quite good! I live in Michigan-is that in my profile? My midnight shift is because I am a custodian in a high school that is very big and very busy during the day and into the night. So it also is very messy. Maybe this is Karma from all the years I didn't clean my room growing up. Remember what you put out in the Universe comes back ten times over? Well this school has over 1200 kids in it, and boy I have a big section!lol
Well, time for bed. I will be back. Good night