These past few weeks have really been a whirlwind.  So much happening, so much to absorb.  Throughout most of it I have managed to keep my bearings.  Lack of sleep has been one of the biggest stumbling blocks, when I am sleep deprived everything else takes kind of a warped edge to it, and frankly I have a warped edge, too!  Lately I’ve been doing well in that department.   Yea!

Another big stumbling block has been the divorce; well maybe I should say the effect the divorce is having on us, especially the kids.  My soon to be ex and I are still cordial, but things had taken a twist.  I would prefer to focus on the boys though right now, especially since the twist (thrown by HIS lawyer) ended up not panning out at all when we went before the referee.

All I can say is *sigh. *                    

The divorce is progressing and all of us are settling in to the different roles and different lives a divorce inevitably brings.  The boys have more questions, and each time I answer honestly but with out overwhelming them.   The two things I get from Alec the most is that he doesn’t think his dad wants the divorce, despite what Alec overheard during our last fight, and that he (Alec) is frustrated because he doesn’t have any control or say so over it!  Sean asks if we ever loved each other, or if we still do.

To Alec’s first question I answered there reaches a point of no return, in that sometimes people just can’t live together as husband and wife.  There was more said, but I gave you the jist of it.  I didn’t go too deep, and he didn’t need details, I am not going to start dragging his dad through the mud-certainly not to him, or for that matter here.  I do have a few friends and family members I vent to, for sure!   But Alec isn’t one of them, and shouldn’t be.  As to his frustration, I had to point out that this particular area is not in his realm of control because it is between his father and me, not the kids.  “But I am affected!”  Alec exclaimed.  “Yes you are, but we are working very hard to keep that to a minimum, your life hasn’t changed much so far.” I answered.  He admitted that was true.  Still, the pain he sees his father in bothers him-Cid is taking this much harder than me. (Ironically Cid is the one who told me to leave, as I said in an earlier post.)  Alec has empathy for others and this hits close to home.  I mean, this is his dad!!

To Sean the answer is a simple yes!  We did.  Do we now?  Yes, but we can’t live together because when we fight we say things that hurt each other.  People who love shouldn’t do that, and we couldn’t seem to stop, despite talking to other people (counselors) about it.  (I didn’t go into how for me my feelings have changed, they have waned to the point that what I feel for Cid is what I would an old friend, which I think can be maintained as long as we stay this course.  We haven’t had a serious fight since we separated!  As I said before, the things that drove each other crazy still exist-I see it, and I’m sure he does too-but we no longer have to deal with it.)

The boys went to Cedar Point with their dad and aunt last Monday and Tuesday (the fact I wasn’t going is what prompted the questions.) They had a great time, although both said they missed me and wished I were there.  I spent time with them after they returned, I came for them every day.  We went to the beach yesterday.  It was my birthday and I couldn’t think of a better way to spend it.  They ended up chasing the fish that was in the swim area.  Alec wanted to go to the diving raft, but had to pass a swim test for the lifeguard.  He didn’t-too winded at the end and too slow!  Uh oh!  So we are on a mission-swimming at the beach every other day until he can pass the test.  With this heat it sounds like a good idea!

This is how it should be-kids should be worried about catching fish and practicing their swim skills so as to pass a test.  Or going to Cedar Point and riding the latest, greatest roller coaster ride!  Despite us adults and all our dysfunctions, we owe our kids the right to be just kids.  They deserve the love and security that any kid needs to be a great kid, and then later a great adult.  We are trying despite the divorce to be good, strong parents.  It’s tough, but we can’t give up.  Our kids depend on it. 

Thanks for listening.  This post went in a direction I didn’t expect, but apparently needed to go!