Monday has dawned here in Michigan, and it’s a bright new day.  I was up early, I have flipped back to days and the ‘ol body clock is back almost to normal.  I am someone who, when left to my own natural rhythms would be in bed by 10 or 10:30 pm and up by 6 am or so.  Alec is like that too.  The rest of the family are night owls.  Even Sean sleeps in until at least 10 am if allowed!  They should be the ones on Midnights!

Gardening is on the agenda today-of course.  I have lots of yard clean up to do; already the weeds are going nuts.  I want to break out the new tiller I got for Christmas, I could finally finish the roadside garden I started two years ago, maybe prep the ground for a vegetable plot!

The response to the Cowbell article was very touching, and I was very humbled by all the nice comments.  To receive such praise from my “peers,” all so talented in myriad ways! You guys are wonderful!  Maybe I’ll write another one?  I’ll have to think of something.

I wish I could, in a way, open up more to you guys.  I am not as strong as Colo, at least when it comes to that.  Maybe it’s because the consequences could come back and bite not only me, but also my kids.

I will say that, like many of you, turmoil has increased in my life, some because of my son (the 19 year old), some from me.  Only the latter part can I do something about, although I know some of “it” comes from a place so deep, it will take a long time to bring it all to light.  It is a journey I started years ago, and I’ve already dredged up a lot.   Some of the Chaotic stuff that’s been happening in the last few years has tied in with it, either again because of me (I am different from what I used to be) or due to experiences that have come that end up teaching some very painful, but necessary, lessons both for me and my son.

I found the Blogstream because of Colo.  I know now I needed to, and although there are naysayers and skeptics out there that don’t have this opinion, I believe that there is a purpose for everything, and that things happen for a reason.  I found this Blogstream for a reason.  I have met some people here that are now very important to me in my life, whom I would not have found if not for coming here.  I have also found an outlet for writing that has become vital for me-I know lately I haven’t written as much, but I still find this place to be cathartic, even healing.  I believe I am evolving as a writer and am a better person for it.  Sometimes I do ask myself, in regard to finding the Blogstream; is it destiny?  The answer, I think, is “somewhat.”  That answer is because I know there is also free will, given to Human beings by God/Universe.  This is why, to me, nothing is set in stone, although I believe there is a path that is best for us all, and if we are still enough we will hear the quiet voice that will help us find it. 

My path is coming to a crossroads.  I am not quite there yet, but it is on my horizon.  I have new ambition, and more than one goal.  Ultimately one of the goals is fairly simple-I want to live in a place that feels like home to me.  The Island.  I also want to change careers, get into something that is far from what I’m doing now, and it will call for more training than I’ve already received.  Finally, I want to be free, to be ME!  I feel as confident and unafraid as I did when I was 11 or 12!!  Crazy but true!  I knew who I was then, and life was an adventure, something I couldn’t wait to grab on to and explore.  But I lost it, for a long time.  What’s great though is that it’s come back!  I feel that way NOW!  But to keep that going, to follow my heart and soul-it’s such a battle, every day!   There’s an expectation of “well, she’s just going through a phase, she’ll get this out of her system and go back to being the gal she used to be…” NO I WON’T-But yet how do I keep going with this without hurting the people I love and/or who love me?  I am still raising two sons, and they deserve nothing less than my dedication.  They have my love, and I theirs.  But to make the changes I am looking to do.. at the very least it will be earth shaking for them.

I am letting things roll, at least for the moment.  I know I should not to try to force or push anything.  Especially because, unlike when I was 11 or 12, I do have other lives that depend on me!  I need to have faith that my life will unfold as it should, recognize the opportunities as they come, and see the path that is best for me with out the clouds of emotion blinding my way.  That is SO hard!

That doesn’t mean I won’t check out my options, or not make plans.  But it does mean taking time to both analyze what I discover, and to try and listen to that quiet voice inside.  My time will come.  Meantime, I will make the best of it.  No use wasting the time I have right now!! 

I know this came out cryptic, but they still are my thoughts, it’s what’s running through the back of my mind these days.  It is hard for me to open up more than this..but at least that was a peek!  Now, I’m off to do some gardening.  The housework can wait!  See Ya!!

P.S.  I got a call while writing this, from a person I was wondering about, regarding an upcoming burn. I had been wondering if I should call HER-but now I don’t have to.  This directly correlates to the career change I mentioned.  So I wonder.  Coincidence-or confirmation?